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Posted by on Dec 8, 2014 in Crossfit, Lifting and Crossfit, Master, Music and Rants, Rant

The Fuck Am I Doing

The Fuck Am I Doing

I debated writing this post for the last two weeks. I wrote it, I deleted it, I wrote a different one, and I deleted that one too. The first piece of advice I ever got about this project was to always be honest. The last three weeks have been some of the most confusing, frustrating, disappointing, and disheartening since I started this blog. I’ve had my ups and down, injuries, setbacks, backslides, but I always had a reason, and a path that lead me out of it. This time is different, this time nothing about my training, my diet, my sleep has changed, or needs to. Instead it’s a question of motivations, naively enough two years ago I thought I could be a regional caliber athlete, that didn’t happen. Then the next year I thought I could make a regional team, that didn’t happen. Now with the changes HQ has implemented for the open and regionals, as well as starting a very different chapter in my life, it seems as if I’m out of chances.


My coach Max, put it pretty plainly in his most recent post, “HQ’s Changes: The Death of Your Dreams?

Making regionals was the ultimate goal for many “bubble athletes” and they have been working toward it for many years. This move from HQ highlights a much clearer distinction between what it means to be a regional/games athlete and what it means to be in the ‘everybody else’ category…

Blindly following goals without reflecting on your ‘why’ can be a much more devastating disappointment than just accepting that you aren’t good enough…

Often there is liberation in realizing what you are capable of and embracing the quest to be the best version of yourself instead of seeking to be the best in the eyes of society…

It’s a very nice post, which some very eloquent points that I’ve summarized and pulled out of context, but you get the idea. This change will force a lot of people to re-evaluate. Myself included. In the end, at this point, my focus and my energy have to be elsewhere. I’m paying a exceedingly ridiculous amount of money to earn a Master’s degree, it would be foolish of me not to take advantage of that. So what am I saying? Is my competitive exercise journey dead? Yes. In the form I’ve pursued it for the last two years it is necessarily dead. I still have scores from last years open that I want to beat, I still have goals to improve as a well rounded athlete, and I will have those goals for the rest of my life, and I have competitive exercise to thank for that. It’s a bitter pill to swallow but competitive exercise was never my niche, no amount of hard work, determination, or will power will change that. As Max put it, we all have our place on the bell curve.


Where do we go from here then? There’s still plenty of information for me to share, still plenty of lessons to learn, still competitions to be won and lost, just not ones with banners that say “Regionals”. I’ll still train hard as much as my time and energy will permit, but not at the cost of my education. And I will still definitely share as much of it as seems interesting or pertinent with you, the strangers of the internet, for whatever entertainment it provides. Here’s to new goals, new accomplishments, and finding my satisfaction in the journey, not the destination.



  1. Hi Dan,

    I have been subscribing to your blog for a while now. I really enjoy getting to read your new articles. I’m not sure if you read the replies very often but I felt like I could feel free to say what I think about it because its the internet and who really cares? It made me feel sad to read what you said about giving up on your dream to become a competitive athlete. I just don’t think you should give up just because of what “those people” say or think. There will always be obstacles on your journey and determination is the main factor in achieving! I think you have a lot going on right now, that’s for sure! There will always be changes in what is proper and accepted, especially in crossfit when a lot has to do with perspective and an individuals ability. Maybe I am giving unsolicited advice but I suppose its my prerogative as a woman. Anyways I think you have a lot to be thankful for and a lot going for you. Your smart, sexy, and an awesome writer! Keep going after your dreams, and I hope you didn’t find what I said too weird or internet stalkerish lol!

    • Molly,

      I read all of the comments, and always try to respond. Without people reading this would be a really weird diary.

      To be a little more clear – I’m not giving up on anything. It’s simply a redirection of my efforts, placing energy where it will be used most effectively, and saving me from the negativity that comes with falling short. It’s important when you set goals that they’re attainable, and I feel at my current state with school and life, being a Regionals athlete just isn’t attainable. The sport has changed significantly since I started this project, and it is now a full time job to be competitive. This post was more about being okay with that, and finding ways to remain competitive without Regionals. I’ve thought long and hard about this, and what “those people” say really played no part in this, but provided a conducive framework for the post in general. That’s all.

      I don’t mind the unsolicited advice, I’m always open for discussions. I love being proven wrong. Well actually I hate it more than anything, but eventually I love it because you always learn something. My point is, not to worry, while it was a somber post, it hasn’t dampened my resolve. Just thought I would address the issue head on, as much of it needed to be said, or more appropriately, I needed to write it.

      Thanks for reading!

  2. “Where do we go from here then? There’s still plenty of information for me to share, still plenty of lessons to learn, still competitions to be won and lost, just not ones with banners that say ‘Regionals’.”

    Far too often those that fall short on their original goals get sucked into defeatism. The perspective you describe here demonstrates both an incredible maturity and the positive attitude needed to forge it towards new goals. I have the highest faith in you.

    • You’re a beast buddy. Thanks for the kind words, they’re beyond appreciated.


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